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Experiences of depression: ‘It leaves you on the cliff edge of sanity’

Apr 2nd, 2017 by

Readers share their experiences of depression – how it pervades their life and how they cope – as part of MQ’s Speak your Mind initiative

Naomi, Cambridge
Depression comes from the mind and invades the mind. It’s like an unstoppable force. Were it not so evil, it would be impressive. It zaps the joy of sleep and relaxation. It causes aches and pains and exhaustion. And then it weighs this tired body and brain down with apathy and robs me of enthusiasm. And just when you get used to the apathy and accept that you will amount to nothing more than a TV-watching, Netflix-browsing, Candy Crush-playing robot, it hits you with panic.

The panic makes you crave company and someone to stabilise you and tell you that it’s fine. But only then do you realise the full extent of the invasion. It has conquered you and you didn’t even notice. There is no one. You’ve asked for help one time too many, you cried and broke down and scared them or bored them (or both) once too often. And they were kind so they let you do it again and again, but eventually they had to look after themselves and their own sanity and they backed away while you weren’t looking. And you’re left holding on by a thread to those that are left, but you can’t risk breaking that thread so you pull your lips into a smile and you weaken yourself further by pulling yourself into the shape of a sane person.

Related: Young people and mental health: ‘Since diagnosis, I have taken massive strides’

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